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I

nside this realm of darkness squats a leering and corpulent purple lizard, who hides in the shadows plotting and scheming. The distant singing of children summons Him, and from deep inside a craggy chamber of moss and decay, It rises and laughs, eager to greet yet another era of conquest and soul-stealing. Hundreds of doomed civilizations before ours knew It of the Crimson Scales by a multitude of names, before He feasted upon their children’s brains and left only scant remnants of each world that He devoured. We know him as Barney. And this nightmare world of lunacy and insipid chortling.....is the Purple Abyss.

But seriously......

Below is a series of satirical horror stories I’ve written over the years about Barney the Dinosaur, that address the troubling question, "What if that dopey dinosaur is really a hell-spawned demon out to destroy us?" While the stories themselves are written largely in good humor and jest, they do contain scenes of graphic violence and mature subject matter and SHOULD NOT be viewed by younger readers! (Damn it, kid, go watch some TV).

BARNEY THE DINOSAUR STORIES!

Barney says to read these stories or else he'll get angry. And you don't want to see him angry.

STORY DESCRIPTIONS

day of the barney
Barney the Dinosaur holds a very special live concert from Washington D.C., simulcast nationwide! But what about it makes all the adults uneasy and the children so restless?
Jeremy and Fran Phillips love their dear friend Barney, and the world seems a nice enough place without the adults. However, as the siblings gleefully anticipate a stuuuppeendouss birthday celebration with the jolly purple dinosaur, they will soon come to appreciate why the number 13 is indeed unlucky.....
day of the barney 2
day of the barney 3
As the world struggles to rebuild itself following the horrific Great Act of Love, Barney and Baby Bop re-emerge from the grave to wreak a particulary diabolical plan of revenge against their enemies. Will the mysterious Loved One, Maca’hzar, hold the key for humankind’s salvation?
General Brackenridge and his troops struggle to capture Barney and his minions before "Operation Death Love" goes into effect, chasing the purple dino through the vast New Mexico landscape in a race against the clock.
deathzone purple
son of barney
(Written to follow the action of "The Day of the Barney" trilogy) With Barney seemingly destroyed, the Church of Purple Love flees underground and vainly attempts to create a new successor. But are they prepared to face the hideous monsters their harried attempts create?
A heartfelt dedication to one of the greatest masters of contemporary modern horror, Edgar Allan Poe, and his incredibly haunting "The Raven", composed in 1840.
the barney
barneyreich
A scandalous chapter out of Barney’s history he would much rather have you forget, from the Berlin rallies to the curious hearings at Nuremburg. Would he say this was a "ssstuupendouss!" period in history, or one that is simply best verboten to recall?
Barney the Dinosaur’s running loose in Gotham City! Will the Dark Knight succeed in capturing him, or will the Joker? Inspired by both "Batman: The Animated Series", and the graphic novels of Frank Miller. No, the chubby purple reptile doesn't stand a chance.
batman
call of bharni
Written as a parodic dedication to H.P. Lovecraft and the Cthulhu Mythos, this dizzying saga examines the mysterious, other-worldly devices of the Great B’harni, left in his perpetual dream state in the sunken isle realm of R’lyons. I suggest reading at least a couple of his works to fully appreciate the events and people referred to in this writing.
Bill Gapes of the Microsnatch Corporation and Barney have collaborated on an automated playmate, with insiduous results! Can Britain’s super-spy, James Bond, foil the crazed reptile’s plans for world domination?
bond vs.barney
rexfiles
Agents Scully and Mulder are called in to investigate the mysterious mass-murder of Springfield’s parents. Will Barney, BJ, and Baby Bop effectively convert Scully to become their “Special Friend”? Will Mulder discover the secret behind Barney’s continually shifting clique of followers? And when do the UFOs arrive?
A good-natured couple indulge their daughter's birthday wish for a new automated Barney-doll, but find that money can't buy happiness, but rather something far more sinister....
The Doll

BARNEY/PURPLE ABYSS TOPICS