“I don’t know who you are, but that wasn’t very nice.”
Bond felt a dull roaring in his head, and then saw the world gradually fade back in. A thick purple blob before his eyes sharpened into the visage of a dead-eyed purple dinosaur, accompanied by a consortium of children. Bond looked into the eyes of the children, and was instantly reminded of the drug-starved gazes of opium addicts he’d encountered in the streets of Bangladesh once.
“The name is Bond....James Bond....and I’m here to put an end to your world domination scheme, Barney.”
The dinosaur and his children all roared with laughter. Bond attempted to subdue Barney, but then realized he was immobile. He could feel restraints against his legs, waist, and arms.
And what had happened to Bill Gapes? Where was he?
“You were very mean, shooting up our control console, Jimmy. Don’t you know guns aren’t safe? I’m so very, very, thankful none of my special friends here were hurt. I love all my special friends, and they love me. Very much the same way I love you, Jimmy. Won’t you say you love me too?”
Bond looked disinterestedly at the winsome purple dinosaur. He shook his head. “No, I won’t.”
The secret agent’s defiance startled Barney and his entourage. A look of anger flushed across the reptile’s face, and then morphed back into a pleasant smile. “Oh, but surely you can, Jimmy. Please say you love me too? I know you love me, as we all love each other.”
“No Barney, I do not love you in any shape or form. In fact, I find you pathetic excuse for a dinosaur and an even worse excuse for educational programming. I’d rather watch my grandmother regurgitate french toast than see even a minute of your show.”
“Say you love me, say you love me!!”
“No, sorry.”
“You goddamned limey bastard!!” shrieked the portly reptile, waving his fist at Bond’s face, “I can shatter your head between my teeth, I can bite out your innards in an instant, I can....I....oh for the love of God, please say you love me! SAY YOU LOVE ME OR I’LL KILL YOU!!”
A troubled silence filled the room. BJ stared at Barney in shock, while many of the children seemed horrified at the poor display the typically happy dinosaur had just exhibited. Barney himself had curled up into a fat bloated ball on the floor, cringing and weeping, his thick tail steadily pounding against the metal surface of the floor.
“....everyone loves me.....everyone loves me......I’m Barney, and everyone loves me.........I must be loved, I must be loved......must......be....loved....”
“Uh, gee Barney,” said BJ, trying to change the subject, “let’s look and see what this Bond guy brought on board.” The yellow dinosaur had acquired 007’s backpack and was now pulling out various items. Bond watched BJ handle the objects with a mixture of disdain and curiousity.
“Huh, he’s got cable, grappling hook, and wrist-radio.....and, ha! Check it out, Barney, he’s even got a lunchbox here! With Speed Racer on the front!”
Bond smiled to himself. Q had given him that lunchbox prior to leaving for earth. The only important thing to note, however, was that the lunchbox wasn’t really a lunchbox. As he watched BJ pop open the lid and take out the thermos, it was going to be painfully aware to the yellow dinosaur that the item indeed was a....
“Flamethrower! AAAAaAAIiiieeeeEEEE!!”
BJ’s brilliant observation was accurate. Upon unscrewing the cap to the thermos, a raging river of flame shot out and engulfed the reptile’s head entirely. BJ dropped the lunchbox and began shrieking and waving his arms about the satellite, while children and dinosaurs alike dodged his blind advances. Upon hitting a railing, BJ’s flaming body plumetted over the barrier and plunged down several stories and hit the satellite base with a deadening, smouldering thud. The stench of smoke and roasted reptile flesh filled the air.
“Someone tell me some good news!” barked Barney.
“Look Barney, I caught another meanie! And it’s Billy! You’re friend from MicroSnatch! Friends for life!”
Barney and Bond turned and saw Baby Bop walking up the stairwell with Bill Gapes held at gunpoint. The children turned their attention from BJ’s smoking corpse and welcomed the sight with applause.
“Good work, Baby Bop, you’ve captured another spy! I guess my special friend Billy found it a little too hot down there on earth, what with those thousands of angry parents with mentally-dead children! Well Billy, never fear--in a few moments, you and Jimmy will be somewhere very nice and cool. And lots of...space!”
“Baby Bop always hate Barney’s humor! Bad bad bad!”
Before anyone could react, Baby Bop swung her gun and brought it down on Barney’s head. She cackled with glee as it hit with a satisfying crack. The fat purple lizard collapsed to the floor, dazed. She then turned to Bond and began undoing his restraints.
“Gapes,” said 007, “what is going on here?”
“It’s cool,” answered Gapes, “she’s with us.”
“With us?”
“Indeed,” said Baby Bop, who then began unstrapping and unzipping her head. The remnants of the infantile green dinosaur gave way to reveal a petite and smashingly attractive woman with grey eyes and auburn hair underneath. “Mr. Bond, my name is Major Laurietta Overeasy. I’m an operative with the CIA, PBS, and the Jihad to Destroy Barney the Dinosaur. In actuality, the creature known as Baby Bop died over five months ago in a shootout in Taiwan, while smuggling counterfeit brand-name diapers and Beanie Babies. I assumed this costume and her identity shortly afterwards, tracking Barney’s progress through this entire ordeal.”
Bond massaged his wrists and obtained his backpack. “It looks like it’s very well over, Barney,” said Bond, graciously smiling at Overeasy and Gapes. “You’ve no choice but to surrender now.”
Barney groaned and slowly rose to his chubby haunches. “No, I don’t think so! You may well have control of this satellite, but I still maintain some power over my faithful child-drones! Kids, if you really, really love me, like I love you, then attack these mean people! Now!”
The two dozen children, there eyes glazed over with murderous intent, their chins glistening with drool, hulred themselves against Bond, Gapes, and Overeasy. The trio of adults were pelted with kicks, bites, jabs, and the occasional whack with a Barney doll.
“These damn kids will kill us!” cried Gapes, as one child whisked off his toupee and began eating it.
“Overeasy, reach into my backpack and hurry!” ordered 007.
Overeasy shoved a toddler off her back and unzipped Bond’s backpack. “What am I looking for?”
“Ouch,” said Bond, feeling a tiny foot collide with his ankle, “it’s a plastic candy dispenser with the head of a green monster on it...”
Overeasy felt around and pulled it out. “It’s a PEZ dispenser, James, and that ‘little green monster’ as you call it is Oscar the Grouch!”
“Whatever!” stammered the secret agent, “now push the little black trigger on the back of its head and aim it at any children you can!”
Overeasy did so and a fine rosy mist rushed out of Oscar’s mouth. Immediately children began dropping like bags of wet cement. She spun around in a full arc and was astounded at the effectiveness of the gas. In seconds all the children were out cold.
“Good work,” said 007, taking back the PEZ dispenser, “now let’s find that tyrannical reptile.”
“He’s flown,” muttered Gapes disdainfully, “and what’s more, he’s left behind more trouble.” The software magnate pointed at the main control console and a counter showing numerical digits, rapidly decreasing in value. It was a countdown, and likely for the satellite’s self-destruct mode.
At that moment Bond felt a tremor shake the craft, and looked at one of the close-circuit cameras. Barney was escaping inside a life-pod, which was now being readied for launch. A telescoping crane was detaching the pod from the rest of the satellite, and it was only a matter of time before it released it and Barney back towards earth, to wreak more evil.
Bond turned to Overeasy. “You and Gapes get the children on board, I’ll pursue Barney. We’ve only a few minutes before this place detonates into ashes. Good luck!”
“Wait, wait,” said Overeasy, “I’m the only attractive woman in this lousy James Bond adventure, and we don’t have any form of romantic interlude? Goes against the formula, doesn’t it?”
“You’re right,” said Bond, “please excuse my rudeness. Gapes, put as many kids into the shuttle by yourself until Overeasy and I return. We’re going to have an intense yet lightning-quick sexual encounter in the airlock, and then be back.”
“Okay,” agreed Gapes, stuffing a five-year old kid in overalls into the overhead compartment. A few seconds later, Overeasy returned with a smeared makeup, tossled hair, and a dizzy grin on her face.
“That guy is incredible,” she muttered to no one in particular.
“I guess so,” agreed Gapes, cramming a toddler under the pilot’s chair, “or is that why your name is ‘Overeasy’?”
“If you think that’s a double-entendre, you should’ve met my aunt. She slept with Bond a number of times and she had a name begging for censorship.”
Gapes finally crammed the last youngster into the glove compartment, kindly removing the child’s glasses and retainer before closing the lid. “So what was it? ‘Pussy Galore’? ‘Octopussy?’ ‘Dr. Goodhead’?”
“Nah,” replied Overeasy, “nothing that subtle. Her name was Vagina Bonanza.”
“Cripes.”
Barney laughed maniacally as the purple and green lifepod jettisoned away from the doomed satellite. Sure he was leaving behind a bunch of his so-called Special Friends to die alone in the vastness of space, but he was popular with low-minded people, he’d have plenty more friends to betray back on earth. Upon realizing this, he laughed again. Stupid humans. It would be child’s play to enslave the inhabitants again, it was only a matter of time.
The diabolical purple dinosaur veered the pod back towards the blue and livid atmosphere of the planet, and plugged in a cassette. As the boosters fired, sweet and syrupy music began to chime and Barney sang along:
I love you, you love me,
I’ll enslave humanity
I’ve the power to steal your mind away
and that will be a super day!
Looking at the rear-view monitor, Barney saw a fantastic explosion. The satellite disintegrated into a thousand shards of fire and twisted metal, all spiralling out into the deep reaches of space like a fireworks explosion. Had he turned to look a few seconds earlier, he would’ve noticed a small black shuttle departing with a geeky software magnate and a gorgeous woman in the throes of afterglow at the helm piloting it back towards earth. Had he looked even sooner he would’ve noticed a tall, handsome secret agent unlatching the rear compartment to the escape pod and sneaking steadily over to the cockpit.
Barney did look again, not to see the events just mentioned, but to see a familiar fist hurling into his face.
“Ooouucchh!” cried Barney, “it can’t be! You and the others should be dead! Dead!”
Bond began repeatedly punching and kicking the dinosaur, utilizing all his higher martial arts skills, but it only seemed to annoy the densely padded monster. Barney slammed his shoulder into Bond, catching him by surprise and gaining the upper-hand. Rising to his feet, the evil dinosaur body slammed the secret agent against the floor, effectively knocking the air out of 007.
“What’s the matter, Jimmy?” chided Barney, “can’t breathe with 600 pounds of pure dino blubber crushing you? I bet that smarts! You know what might make me get off you, Jimmy? If you take back what you said earlier and tell me that you love me too. Then we’ll be special friends, and maybe I won’t kill you!”
Bond gasped and futilely tried pushing Barney off, but to no avail. He could also feel the life-pod rumbling across the stratosphere, turbulence shaking the craft like a broken road. His vision began to fade in and out, from colors to grey, from light to darkness. His lungs screamed for air, and the incessant stupid chuckling of the fat dinosaur taunted his dilemma.
And then he remembered his right side pants pocket.
“Whatcha doing Jimmy?” asked Barney, as the secret agent began fumbling in his pocket. The next instant Bond produced a curious plastic shaft, with a funny green monster’s head at the top. Barney recognized it. It was a PEZ dispenser.
“Get that away from me! No, no!”
Bond pushed down on Oscar the Grouch’s head, and several orange and pink PEZ candies flew out of the dispenser and into Barney’s gaping mouth. The tablets disappeared into his throat.
“Aaarrghghhh!” screamed Barney, “I’m only supposed to have ‘healthy snacks’! Can’t have.....urgh.....sugar......exploding into my body........gaarrrhhhhh!.......can’t stand still....can’t...nuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuh.......!!”
Before Bond’s captivated eyes, Barney began vomiting thick pink billows of sugary foam out of his nostrils and mouth, while his entire body shivered and vibrated like a jack hammer. Barney’s teeth began to yellow and crack like thin ice, while his eyes crossed and began to water like fountains.
“Really now,” smiled Bond, “you can’t always expect a good dessert. Too much candy will make you sick, didn’t your mother ever tell you that?”
“Nuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuh........”
“I’ll take that as a yes,” continued Bond, who then began fiddling with the pod’s control panel. The rear entry hummed open, and the vacuum of space immediately entered, its chilling touch and forceful velocity gripping both human and dinosaur. Only the human was secured with a seat-strap, and the dinosaur was sucked out, sugary-vomit, jitters, and all.
Bond looked out at the rear-monitor and saw Barney’s body trailing behind the pod, his hand futilely clinging to the pod’s tail-fin. As the secret agent watched, he saw Barney’s body begin to bubble and swell from the airless environment of space, and then begin to roast and fall off in huge steaming chunks as they entered the atmosphere.
For a split instant, Bond almost felt sorry for Barney. Having your body simultaneously boil and fry away in the ravages of space had to hurt. And then he recalled Barney’s own machinations for controlling people, and the sympathy went away. When he looked back, all that remained of the power-hungry dinosaur was a black, skeletal hand still clasping to the life-pod’s tail fin.
Bond radioed in to the British Secret Service’s secret frequency. M’s voice answered.
“007, I read you. Have you successfully foiled Barney’s plot for world domination?”
“Affirmative, M,” answered Bond. “An agent Overeasy and Mr. Gapes will be returning separately with some of Barney’s former mind-slaves.”
“And what of Barney?”
“Though all this travel has him burnt out, he was still willing to lend me a hand back to earth,” said Bond amusedly.
“Well that could only be another macabre pun,” grumbled M. “Good job anyway, 007. See you soon.”
Bond replaced the radio receiver and smiled in satisfaction. Within the hour he had managed to land the pod squarely in the middle of a mass Macarena festival in Houston, effectively flattening about thirty people in the throes of the latest dance sensation. Maybe there was justice, he thought to himself as the ambulances arrived.
THE END